Do You Care? Agency and Brown Women

By Vaishnavi Siripurapu

I was talking to a friend the other day and he said something that I thought was sexist. Instead of letting it go, I called him out on it and he didn’t take it too well.

Worried about losing him, I went to my mom.

“I think I made him upset...” I told her.

“Okay,” She said. “Do you care?” 

“Do you care?” Those words stayed with me.

Instead of saying: “What did you do to upset him?” or “Why did you make him upset?”

She said “Do. You. Care?”

It is so underestimated how the small actions we take shape the society around us. By saying “Do you care?”, my mom gave ME control. She gave me the control to decide how I feel about my actions and how I choose to value my relationships. Instead of automatically putting me at fault by blaming me for upsetting him, she gave me the power to decide the consequences of my actions. 

Too often in our society, young girls — especially young South Asian girls — are taught to care obsessively about what other people think of them. “Log kya kahenge?” (What will people say?) becomes a part of our every mental process and erodes away at our conscience. We’re taught to be obedient, constantly analyzing every move we take, every word we speak to please everyone but ourselves. People’s perceptions become our chains and the chatter of others silences us.

I know I do not speak alone when I discuss the all-too-familiar experience of hearing an older community member say something racist, sexist, xenophobic, or otherwise close-minded, knowing what they said is horrifically detrimental to society, but still staying silent because, “Log kya kahenge?” 

I know I speak for countless brown women when I talk about the experiences of hearing young people in our community using racial slurs, expressing sexist opinions, and promoting colonialism by praising fair skin. Even though we are among our peers in these situations (as I was with my friend), it is still insurmountably difficult to express our opinions because we are afraid of what our peer circles will think of us. 

Some people will say, “It’s not that deep. It’s three words.” But it’s the small actions we take that set our definition of “normal,” which is critical in daily life.

When my mom said “Do you care?”, I said “No… I don’t. I don’t care.” 

And a sense of freedom washed over me.

But in saying “Do you care?” what she really said was, “I trust you and your judgement.”

Instead of “Log kya kahenge?”, my mom asked me, “Aap kya kahenge?” (What will you think?). 

That support, especially from a mother or any strong female role model, is priceless. That support empowers revolutions.

And for my mother, an immigrant woman from a rural village normalizing this attitude, I am grateful. I hope the South Asian community as a whole can come together to provide trust and freedom to our daughters.